Thank you.
Thank you for allowing me to finally see exactly how much I'm worth by tearing me down so much that I needed to rebuild myself again - bottom up. It was because of you that I have changed, for the better. It was because of you that I finally realized that I do not need a guy that doesn't need me. And it was because of you and your selfish actions that I now know what I deserve and it is for sure, not you.
What I was trying so desperately for you to realize is that I would've been the girl who would have never walked away from you. I would've been there for you through the good times, the bad and the ugly. I wanted to be there through everything and you clearly don't know this, but I was willing to do just about everything to be that girl for you. I would've done absolutely anything for you. And although you never realized any of this, I fortunately realized that I'm also the girl who doesn't deserve to be walked all over. I'm not your fucking doormat.
I deserve to be happy, as do you. But I also know that my root of happiness is not you, as it already shouldn't have been. Unfortunately I lost that concept when I was trying to please you. I gave up my happiness in the desperate attempt to win yours. I was trying to get you to fall for me - fall in love with me - when the only thing falling was my standards and my dignity. When you walked away, you didn't just leave empty-handed but I also don't want to say you broke me into a thousand pieces (even though it was something like that) because I'm not that girl and I don't want to boost your ego. Do you know how incredibly difficult it is to wake up, every single day, thinking that today might be the day you would be given a chance? Well you probably don't because I'm sure no one has ever broken you down so badly and that is okay. That is more than okay because, after everything, I still don't want you to ever hurt as badly as you hurt me.
I finally learned that what I once thought love was, was so entirely wrong. Love isn't something you have to justify to everyone around you. Love should just happen, without an explanation and without the desire to make it work. Love isn't stagnant. But everything I just said was everything it was with you. And with all of that I neglected the most important part of love: self-love. I lost myself trying to find you. I forgot about myself in a selfless effort trying to get you to want me; to never forget me. I know now that this isn't how it should be and my god, is it one of the greatest lessons I ever taught myself.
The day I realized that no matter what I did, you would still never fall for me, was one of the most happiest yet saddest days of my life. I forgot what it was like to be me without the idea of you and I was finally able to rebuild that again. I'm not going to lie to you. There are still days where I sit and think about what it would be like if you were still here. But then I realize that it was only because of you leaving that I am such a better person, a stronger person.
So again, thank you for never giving me the time of day. I cannot wait to show you via social media how much better I am without you. I also cannot wait to find the guy who gets to see just exactly what I would've done for you. The difference, you ask? He deserves it.
xoxo,
Me
Monday, November 30, 2015
What It's Really Like To Have A Friends With Benefits
Exciting. Exhilarating. Reckless. Lonely.
I can still hear the little teenage girl in me talking to her friends about how she could never sleep with someone she didn't have feelings for. "Like omg how can someone actually do that?!" And I could remember promising myself that I would never do that. After all, sex is only for when you're in love... right? Absolutely not, my friends.
*cue Friends With Benefits with Mila Kunis and Justin Timberlake* "I would never want that, I know myself I would catch feelings like Mila did and it just wouldn't work out for me. I'm never going to do that." I could hear myself as I watched the movie again and again and again.
As I emerged from a good little girl to a newly single ready to f*cking mingle college girl, I realized I didn't want to be in a relationship. I didn't want to allow myself to be so romantically involved in someone again that I would lose myself like I did the first time. I also really wanted to focus on school as crazy as that sounds. And then I thought of Mila Kunis. And how easy it was for her to just get involved with someone - not romantically - but just have sex. And for the first time in my life that opportunity happened as soon as I needed it to.
It was unlike anything I've ever done before. Unfortunately I could hear my mother in my head after every single time but did it stop me? No, not really. (Sorry Mom). And it was so simple. Invite him over, "talk" for a little, do it, get dressed, he leaves, you get on with your day. What could possibly go wrong?!
This went on for a few weeks. My roommates got creative and would have a soundtrack ready for when he would come over. I knew exactly how long I should wait to text him. It was like a scientific formula that I got right every time. And then it all kinda stopped.
The reckless nature of it all left. It started to feel like more of a chore than something to enjoy. It got lonely incredibly quick. And it's not that I even developed any sort of feelings for him. We would finish and he would leave and I was left in my room, alone, to fix the messed up sheets, to actually put away the clothes I just threw under my bed and to just sit and wait until either one of us wanted sex again. I realized, rather quickly might I add, that this wouldn't end up like the movies. We wouldn't fall in love. He wouldn't ask me to go to Grand Central Station and have a flash mob waiting for me. I also realized that none of what I just mentioned is what I wanted in the first place. So why was I subjecting myself to feel so lonely? And then why was I trying to justify how I felt to myself? It was exhausting and I knew that I needed to end it. So I did.
When it's happening, it's great. You feel on top of the world, no pun intended. And then when it's over, or you're waiting for them to text you because like omg you texted them first last time so you don't want to seem too needy, it truly is such a lonely feeling. There's so many rules (don't ever sleep over but if you do, leave before 9am) and after awhile, you just feel like you're stuck on level one of MarioKart. It truly is such an exhausting activity that unfortunately just isn't for me. And that's what they don't tell you in the movies.
5 Things I Learned When I Hit Rock Bottom
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times and oh my was it the worst of times. I had experienced my own rock bottom at such a wrong time. It was the beginning of my sophomore year in college - a time where I am supposed to be surrounded by good vibes and good people to create good memories. Instead, I was trapped in a vicious cycle of wanting to be better but not knowing how to get there. It was toxic and manipulative and confusing. Aside from this, I felt like I was beginning to lose sight of myself entirely. I never knew what "rock bottom" was. I guess I knew that everyone had their own personal idea of it but I never imagined mine because I never thought that I would reach it. But here is the beauty of rock bottom; it can have multiple lessons. As I started to focus on myself more and fix what I needed to, everything suddenly became more clear. I became happier and overall, just a more positive person.
1. Remove the negative parts of your life.
As I was driving home listening to "The Best of John Mayer" and crying more than I ever cried before, I realized that this cannot be it. There is so much more to life that I wasn't seeing clearly. I was so blinded by the bad that I neglected to see the good. I made a list of everything that made me unhappy, sad, or frustrated me (the list was longer than I anticipated) and I decided to rid myself of everything that was on that list, people included. I then created the list of everything that made me happy, again a pretty lengthy list, and it was in that moment that I decided to focus more on what made me happy and not pay attention to my "shit list."
2. Appreciate the good in your life more.
After I had, what I'd like to believe is the biggest mental breakdown ever, I saw who was there for me and what was there for me. I saw who I ran to when I just needed someone. I saw what I turned to when it was 2am and I couldn't sleep. I realized what made me the happiest and it was like a light that I never wanted to turn off. It was because of these people and different outlets that lifted me from the notorious rock bottom.
3. Self-Love is so important.
Something that is so new to me and I wish I learned this from an early age. Self-love is by far the most beautiful gift that you can ever give yourself. If you can't love yourself, how will you allow others to love you? You need to see your worth, as everyone is so valuable. This took me awhile to grasp. I was always the first one to tell others to love themselves and not to be so hard on themselves but I never took my own advice. Once I began to see just exactly what I had to offer, I instantly became happy. Now I still have a lot to work on but I'm getting there.
4. Stop getting everyone's approval.
My biggest thing pre-rock bottom was making sure everyone around me was happy before I was. This will only make you unhappy. Sure it is such a nice feeling to see that the ones you love most are happy but you also have to remember yourself. I forgot myself for a very long time. After my rock bottom, I didn't allow myself to seek others approval and I didn't care what people thought of me. And this was a huge weight lifted off of my shoulders. I do not think I ever felt so liberated before. You do not need to please people to feel worthy.
5. You can only go up from here.
As the great Justin Bieber once said, "there is nowhere but up from here, my dear." Rock bottom isn't fun, not that it should be, but it is also a place that one shouldn't stay. It's probably even more toxic than whatever it was that got you there. As I was sitting in my car, listening to John Mayer and making my lists, I knew I didn't want to ever feel like this again. I created goals for myself, I treated myself more often and I promised myself that I would let go of whatever it was that would only make me unhappy. It is a great feeling - to not worry about the wrong things in life.
I cannot remember the last time that I felt more positive and motivated. I was on the entirely wrong path but I changed ways and I am exactly where I am supposed to be and I couldn't be happier. Rock bottom was a beautiful start.
1. Remove the negative parts of your life.
As I was driving home listening to "The Best of John Mayer" and crying more than I ever cried before, I realized that this cannot be it. There is so much more to life that I wasn't seeing clearly. I was so blinded by the bad that I neglected to see the good. I made a list of everything that made me unhappy, sad, or frustrated me (the list was longer than I anticipated) and I decided to rid myself of everything that was on that list, people included. I then created the list of everything that made me happy, again a pretty lengthy list, and it was in that moment that I decided to focus more on what made me happy and not pay attention to my "shit list."
2. Appreciate the good in your life more.
After I had, what I'd like to believe is the biggest mental breakdown ever, I saw who was there for me and what was there for me. I saw who I ran to when I just needed someone. I saw what I turned to when it was 2am and I couldn't sleep. I realized what made me the happiest and it was like a light that I never wanted to turn off. It was because of these people and different outlets that lifted me from the notorious rock bottom.
3. Self-Love is so important.
Something that is so new to me and I wish I learned this from an early age. Self-love is by far the most beautiful gift that you can ever give yourself. If you can't love yourself, how will you allow others to love you? You need to see your worth, as everyone is so valuable. This took me awhile to grasp. I was always the first one to tell others to love themselves and not to be so hard on themselves but I never took my own advice. Once I began to see just exactly what I had to offer, I instantly became happy. Now I still have a lot to work on but I'm getting there.
4. Stop getting everyone's approval.
My biggest thing pre-rock bottom was making sure everyone around me was happy before I was. This will only make you unhappy. Sure it is such a nice feeling to see that the ones you love most are happy but you also have to remember yourself. I forgot myself for a very long time. After my rock bottom, I didn't allow myself to seek others approval and I didn't care what people thought of me. And this was a huge weight lifted off of my shoulders. I do not think I ever felt so liberated before. You do not need to please people to feel worthy.
5. You can only go up from here.
As the great Justin Bieber once said, "there is nowhere but up from here, my dear." Rock bottom isn't fun, not that it should be, but it is also a place that one shouldn't stay. It's probably even more toxic than whatever it was that got you there. As I was sitting in my car, listening to John Mayer and making my lists, I knew I didn't want to ever feel like this again. I created goals for myself, I treated myself more often and I promised myself that I would let go of whatever it was that would only make me unhappy. It is a great feeling - to not worry about the wrong things in life.
I cannot remember the last time that I felt more positive and motivated. I was on the entirely wrong path but I changed ways and I am exactly where I am supposed to be and I couldn't be happier. Rock bottom was a beautiful start.
An Open Letter To Those Affected By Suicide
I'm sorry.
I am so terribly sorry that you had to feel that much hurt in your life. I know how it feels to constantly ask "why" and have the recurring nightmares. I know what it's like to feel like you could've done something more - something that would've stopped them. I know how much it bothers you when someone carelessly says, "oh I'd rather kill myself." And I know what it's like to wish you had just one more day with them.
One of the hardest things to do is watch someone suffer day in and day out over something they have absolutely no control over. It is even harder knowing that there is nothing that you can do to stop their suffering. You can remind them time and time again that they are never alone. You can remind them that you will always be there. And you can remind them that they don't need to worry about the things they're worrying about. But sometimes, no matter how many times you tell them and try to get through to them, it is never enough.
And then the next hardest thing is coming to terms with it. At the time, you can go through so many emotions - anger, sadness, confusion, shock and guilt - each one right after the other. And you never really can explain how you feel because you don't even know how you feel. It's truly the most paradoxical thing. Many people don't know how to discuss suicide. Suicide is not an "acceptable" death by society. There is too much stigma around it. I get it, you don't have to tell me twice. I have never gotten so many blank stares after I had to tell people how my dad passed away. People don't know what to say. Actually, all they want to do is ask "well, how did they do it?" but clearly that would be wrong.
It took me awhile to understand that asking "why" would not help me in any way, shape or form. Asking "why" overlooks the complexity of the disease so many face daily and the action some tragically do. Instead I began to ask "how." How can I learn from this? How can I help others that have experienced the same loss? And how can I help in preventing the next person from taking his or her own life? Having suicidal thoughts does not make one flawed or weak and I truly believe that once more people accept that statement, it would be a huge step in preventing suicide.
Just know that it is not your fault. You did as much as you could. For now, all you can do is learn from this experience. Grieve as long as you need to. When you're ready, and you will be, take action. When you hear someone say "oh this sucks, I want to kill myself," say something. When there's a walk, go to it. Educate others. But also grow within yourself. Learn to live a happy life. I have grown so much and ironically, became so much happier than I ever was. I also learned to love more and I learned to forgive easier. You never know what someone is going through and it is so important to show love because this world needs it.
I want people to believe in signs. To believe that this life gets better even when we don’t think it ever could. To choose to go through the motions the way I did until it leads to something beautiful.
Because this life really is, beautiful.
I am so terribly sorry that you had to feel that much hurt in your life. I know how it feels to constantly ask "why" and have the recurring nightmares. I know what it's like to feel like you could've done something more - something that would've stopped them. I know how much it bothers you when someone carelessly says, "oh I'd rather kill myself." And I know what it's like to wish you had just one more day with them.
One of the hardest things to do is watch someone suffer day in and day out over something they have absolutely no control over. It is even harder knowing that there is nothing that you can do to stop their suffering. You can remind them time and time again that they are never alone. You can remind them that you will always be there. And you can remind them that they don't need to worry about the things they're worrying about. But sometimes, no matter how many times you tell them and try to get through to them, it is never enough.
And then the next hardest thing is coming to terms with it. At the time, you can go through so many emotions - anger, sadness, confusion, shock and guilt - each one right after the other. And you never really can explain how you feel because you don't even know how you feel. It's truly the most paradoxical thing. Many people don't know how to discuss suicide. Suicide is not an "acceptable" death by society. There is too much stigma around it. I get it, you don't have to tell me twice. I have never gotten so many blank stares after I had to tell people how my dad passed away. People don't know what to say. Actually, all they want to do is ask "well, how did they do it?" but clearly that would be wrong.
It took me awhile to understand that asking "why" would not help me in any way, shape or form. Asking "why" overlooks the complexity of the disease so many face daily and the action some tragically do. Instead I began to ask "how." How can I learn from this? How can I help others that have experienced the same loss? And how can I help in preventing the next person from taking his or her own life? Having suicidal thoughts does not make one flawed or weak and I truly believe that once more people accept that statement, it would be a huge step in preventing suicide.
Just know that it is not your fault. You did as much as you could. For now, all you can do is learn from this experience. Grieve as long as you need to. When you're ready, and you will be, take action. When you hear someone say "oh this sucks, I want to kill myself," say something. When there's a walk, go to it. Educate others. But also grow within yourself. Learn to live a happy life. I have grown so much and ironically, became so much happier than I ever was. I also learned to love more and I learned to forgive easier. You never know what someone is going through and it is so important to show love because this world needs it.
I want people to believe in signs. To believe that this life gets better even when we don’t think it ever could. To choose to go through the motions the way I did until it leads to something beautiful.
Because this life really is, beautiful.
Soulmates: Do They Exist?
Like any group of friends, my friends and I have a group chat. That group chat is our bible of all things going on in our lives, what we're wearing for that hot date that turned out to be a bust, our inside jokes and "what are you guys doing? I miss you" texts. It's truly a blessing in disguise that more than two people can text each other all at the same time.
Every once in awhile, the group chat becomes serious. Someone broke up with their boyfriend, someone needs advice on how to get a boyfriend, or someone just asked a question that everyone has a different opinion to. Today's serious topic was "do you believe in soul mates?"
As a hopeless romantic, I do. I automatically said yes in hopes that my Prince Charming would rush through my bedroom door and carry me off to my happily ever after. But after that didn't happen, it got me thinking. Is there such a thing?
When people fall in love, I think they are beside themselves and want to believe that this is definitely the one. However, they will fall in love multiple times in their future. Who a person dates in high school probably won't be the person that they marry (except for those lucky few that get it right the first time). When you're with someone, you're prone to think long lasting and if you don't see yourself potentially marrying this person, why are you with them? Don't waste your time!!!
I thought I found my soulmate once. It was the summer before my senior year of high school and he just happened. And then everything happened so quickly. Everything was perfect. I even told his family that I wanted to marry him. Looking back they probably thought I was crazy, oops. And then everything fell apart so quickly - quicker than it came together. And just like that, I fell out of love. It wasn't on purpose, it wasn't out of spite, I just didn't love him as much as I once did. And I thought I was this horrible person and I deserved nothing after we broke up. But a year later, I finally realized that it was okay. People break up and you cannot force yourself to feel something that you just don't.
But back to soul mates.
I think they exist. But I also think that maybe not everyone has one - or just that not everyone wants to find theirs. Because let's face it, there will be people that you meet for a reason that the both of you just cannot explain and there will be people that stumble into your life without any hesitation at all and those people - for the length of their stay - will mean the world to you and always will. And you can't explain how they made you feel or what it was about them, but they're just special to you.
I genuinely feel that people who come into your life out of nowhere are important. They come to teach you a lesson or allow you to step outside your norm to view the world differently. Those people are supposed to change your life.
And with a soulmate, those feelings happen. But I would assume that it's much more than that. I feel like when you meet that person, you know everything about them and you just know that you have found the one. It has not happened to me yet and I don't see it happening in the near future whatsoever but I do see it happening. It's the most wonderful unexpected gift that a person can receive. And when you are fortunate enough to find that person, don't let them go.
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