I can still hear the little teenage girl in me talking to her friends about how she could never sleep with someone she didn't have feelings for. "Like omg how can someone actually do that?!" And I could remember promising myself that I would never do that. After all, sex is only for when you're in love... right? Absolutely not, my friends.
*cue Friends With Benefits with Mila Kunis and Justin Timberlake* "I would never want that, I know myself I would catch feelings like Mila did and it just wouldn't work out for me. I'm never going to do that." I could hear myself as I watched the movie again and again and again.
As I emerged from a good little girl to a newly single ready to f*cking mingle college girl, I realized I didn't want to be in a relationship. I didn't want to allow myself to be so romantically involved in someone again that I would lose myself like I did the first time. I also really wanted to focus on school as crazy as that sounds. And then I thought of Mila Kunis. And how easy it was for her to just get involved with someone - not romantically - but just have sex. And for the first time in my life that opportunity happened as soon as I needed it to.
It was unlike anything I've ever done before. Unfortunately I could hear my mother in my head after every single time but did it stop me? No, not really. (Sorry Mom). And it was so simple. Invite him over, "talk" for a little, do it, get dressed, he leaves, you get on with your day. What could possibly go wrong?!
This went on for a few weeks. My roommates got creative and would have a soundtrack ready for when he would come over. I knew exactly how long I should wait to text him. It was like a scientific formula that I got right every time. And then it all kinda stopped.
The reckless nature of it all left. It started to feel like more of a chore than something to enjoy. It got lonely incredibly quick. And it's not that I even developed any sort of feelings for him. We would finish and he would leave and I was left in my room, alone, to fix the messed up sheets, to actually put away the clothes I just threw under my bed and to just sit and wait until either one of us wanted sex again. I realized, rather quickly might I add, that this wouldn't end up like the movies. We wouldn't fall in love. He wouldn't ask me to go to Grand Central Station and have a flash mob waiting for me. I also realized that none of what I just mentioned is what I wanted in the first place. So why was I subjecting myself to feel so lonely? And then why was I trying to justify how I felt to myself? It was exhausting and I knew that I needed to end it. So I did.
When it's happening, it's great. You feel on top of the world, no pun intended. And then when it's over, or you're waiting for them to text you because like omg you texted them first last time so you don't want to seem too needy, it truly is such a lonely feeling. There's so many rules (don't ever sleep over but if you do, leave before 9am) and after awhile, you just feel like you're stuck on level one of MarioKart. It truly is such an exhausting activity that unfortunately just isn't for me. And that's what they don't tell you in the movies.
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