An Open Letter To Those Affected By Suicide

I'm sorry.

I am so terribly sorry that you had to feel that much hurt in your life. ​I know how it feels to constantly ask "why" and have the recurring nightmares. I know what it's like to feel like you could've done something more - something that would've ​stopped​ them. I know how much it bothers you when someone carelessly says, "oh I'd rather kill myself." And I know what it's like to wish you had just one more day with them.

One of the hardest things to do is watch someone suffer day in and day out over something they have absolutely no control over. It is even harder knowing that there is nothing that you can do to stop their suffering. You can remind them time and time again that they are never alone. You can remind them that you will always be there. And you can remind them that they don't need to worry about the things they're worrying about. But sometimes, no matter how many times you tell them and try to get through to them, it is never enough.

And then the next hardest thing is coming to terms with it. At the time, you can go through so many emotions - anger, sadness, confusion, shock and guilt - each one right after the other. And you never really can explain how you feel because you don't even know how you feel. It's truly the most paradoxical thing. Many people don't know how to discuss suicide. Suicide is not an "acceptable" death by society. There is too much stigma around it. I get it, you don't have to tell me twice. I have never gotten so many blank stares after I had to tell people how my dad passed away. People don't know what to say. Actually, all they want to do is ask "well, how did they do it?" but clearly that would be wrong.

It took me awhile to understand that asking "why" would not help me in any way, shape or form. Asking "why" overlooks the complexity of the disease so many face daily and the action some tragically do. Instead I began to ask "how." How can I learn from this? How can I help others that have experienced the same loss? And how can I help in preventing the next person from taking his or her own life? Having suicidal thoughts does not make one flawed or weak and I truly believe that once more people accept that statement, it would be a huge step in preventing suicide.

Just know that it is not your fault. You did as much as you could. For now, all you can do is learn from this experience. Grieve as long as you need to. When you're ready, and you will be, take action. When you hear someone say "oh this sucks, I want to kill myself," say something. When there's a walk, go to it. Educate others. But also grow within yourself. Learn to live a happy life. I have grown so much and ironically, became so much happier than I ever was. I also learned to love more and I learned to forgive easier. You never know what someone is going through and it is so important to show love because this world needs it.

I want people to believe in signs. To believe that this life gets better even when we don’t think it ever could. To choose to go through the motions the way I did until it leads to something beautiful.

Because this life really is, beautiful.